Market Recovery?

Everyone wants to know when the market is going to recover.  In other words, have we reached the bottom? People are looking for signs.  The S&P just crossed 900 in recent weeks, a good sign, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke went before Congress last week and said we are close to the bottom and we could see economic growth late this year, also good news.  As for me, I am looking to one man and one man only, my boss "Chaz."  As I have mentioned, my alpha male boss is a great influence on my life.  Just to be clear, by "great influence" I mean he is a complete moron and I will probably spend my career trying to do the exact opposite of him professionally.  So when I say I'm looking to him, I'm not really interested in his thoughts about 10-year Treasuries, inflation, and cap rates on commercial real estate assets.  I'm looking for Chaz the Alpha Male to return full-time, then I'll know the market is truly on the up swing. At his best, Chaz is the source of so much entertainment and unintentional comedy it is almost unbelievable. 

Just to give you a little more background, Chaz really is the epitome of alpha male.  As a former co-worker so eloquently put it, "if this was the jungle, he would be king or he would be dead." The man is an animal.  Even at 45 or so, you can just tell he just wants to suck down Scotch, try to bang strippers, and maybe beat the sh*t out of a few people in the process.  I can only imagine what he was like 20 years ago.  Rumor has it, someone fairly prominent in the real estate industry came into "his" bar one night and let's just say things got ugly.  The only one who pisses on the bar is Chaz and anyone else who tries to piss on the bar has to answer to Chaz.  I'm sure time has changed him, but probably only a little. Now that he is married with children, I'm convinced he proves the theory that tigers eat their young.

The spring of 2007, was the peak of the commercial real estate market and my boss was the king of the castle.  He was crushing deal after deal and there was nothing that was going to stop his animalistic nature.  In a particular entertaining five week span, my boss was on fire. Seriously, the unintentional comedy was at an all time high.  During this time, I was able to capture the animal within in a five part adaptation that portrays the essence of his being.  The piece is rather long, but here is an exerpt that should paint a nice picture.  (Please feel free to contact me for the full adaptation). There are a few inside office jokes and some finance and real estate jargon, but you'll get the point....

Part V - Property Tour (Road Trip)

Pete & KC –

    You boys better fire up the blender. We are going to have one sweet dick time down in Florida .  I told the Dutchmen to come down from his wind mill and watch the fort, so we can have a little ron-de-vous in West Palm.  That is French for a ti**y-fu*king good time.  Lucky for you, I know a great place just outside of Delray.  The scotch flows like a three testicled donkey after a trip down the mountain.  I figure after the tour of this little retail piece.  I just read the marketing package by the way and this deal is sweeter than six fingers of Glen Livet and a bj on Sunday.  Don't worry I will handle the investment committee – a couple punches to the face and a few shots to the balls should do the trick.  So what was I saying?  Yes after this property tour with those worthless f*cks at Eastdil, we'll head down to Chastity's Palace for some Black Label on the rocks.  Trust me when I say, the dancers are better than me closing overpriced real estate at 2% cap rates.  Don't worry it's on me.  I just got paid for buying all that worthless crap out west.  F*ck yeah!  Life is good!  Anyway I got to run; it's time for Marty's daily beating.  Looking forward to Thursday……..

-Chaz

As I concluded this five part series, I really expected Chaz to keep on going.  However, as the calendar turned to late 2007 and 2008, the well dried-up.  My boss wasn't the same.  There was no more pontificating, no more ridiculous stories, it was all gone.  Tough times changes a man. I mean he did single handily lose $200M in equity, but that is besides the point.  Just the other day, however, there was a glimmer of hope.  Chaz the Alpha Male was back!  It was brief and a little more subdued, but awesome nonetheless....

"Did you hear about the boondoggle those butt-fu&kers at LP hosted the weekend before the Masters?  Well obviously you didn't because you are not nearly as important as me.  Only the VIP of DC Real Estate were invited - Steve, Colin, and of course me, Chaz.  To be honest, I was kind of sort of invited via email.  I think those other f*ckers actually got written invitations.  It's cool though I think mine got lost in the mail.  Anyway, after limo service to Dulles you hop on a G4 stocked with enough booze to get an elephant drunk.  I'm talking enough Scotch to last me two days.  Upon arriving in Augusta, Georgia you head right to Augusta National for some golf.  I didn't play, but if I did I would have shot 68 easily.  After golf, LP put everybody up at some sweet five star hotel.  The best part is - it is right next to the fu&king titty bar. Whewww, I would have loved that sh*t.  There is nothing better than a fist full of scotch and some big f&cking titties on some southern bell.  

The next morning I would have woken-up with a raging head ache and bare ass in the lobby. Everyone else would be back at Augusta National for the Monday Practice Round at the Masters.  All the big stars were out Tiger, Phil, and the eventual champ Angel Cabrera aka "El Pato" - that's spanish for big fu*king animal.  I feel like I can relate to El Pato he goes big on the golf course, I go big with real estate deals.  He comes out of nowhere to win big golf tournaments, I come out of nowhere and overpay for crappy real estate assets.  After what can only be described as an amazing couple days they send you back on the G4 only to have a limo waiting full of more booze for one last hurrah before you head home.

Of course I didn't go because I would have had to report this on my Indirect Compensation form.  It's cool though Colin said it was incredible, but I didn't really believe him.  I only believe him when he is giving market intel because I will buy any building in DC at any cap rate no matter what the market is doing.

Okay back to work.  Marty, my office now.  You better have a damn good explanation on why we didn't get 6 cap pricing on this shitty midwest retail asset....."

So here's to hoping better days are ahead.  Of course everybody wants to see a market recovery. For me, it's more than that. I miss Chaz circa April 2007.  That guy was awesome.  Wouldn't know a good deal if it hit him in the face, but unbelievably entertaining nonetheless.