So what does this all have to do with Saturday night? As I have mentioned in a prior post, I have developed ways to identify vampires, mostly through reading these four books. I was all ready to blog about how amazing good looks, unbelievable strength and quickness, piercing eyes, and extreme talents are all traits of a vampire. In fact, I was ready to convince you that Justin Timberlake is a vampire. Think about it. He is really good looking, his speed and rhythm on the dance is almost God like, and he has piercing eyes that will stop you dead in your tracks. Yes, his eyes might not look blood red, but a good source at TMZ told me he definitely wears colored contacts to give-off the effect that he has a pair of baby blue eyes. Well we can forget about all these vampire traits for the moment because on Saturday night I had my own encounter with an actual vampire!! This only became painfully obvious late in the evening when she revealed to me she loved to bite. I kid you not, she was a bitter. I have the bites and bruises on my arms to prove it, but looking back on the evening, there were signs everywhere of her true identity.
Sign #1 - Red Headed Sluts. Like the classy gentlemen that I am, after introducing myself and making conversation, I offered to buy her a drink. What did she want to drink? The Jaegar shot concoction so affectionately referred to as the Red Headed Slut. Upon finishing the shot, she commented on how much she loved colorful drinks, especially ones that were red. I thought she was just being amusing. Looking back now, there is only one thing she really likes to drink that is red and that's blood.
Sign #2 - What's your age again??? Once again, usually not a big deal when you are out meeting people. I just kind of assumed she wanted to know if I was in her relative age range, which is fair. Except the question kept coming as are you 22? are you 23? It was almost like the younger the better. For someone like her who looked maybe 25, why did she want to know if I was 22 or 23? For vampires, younger is better. It well documented that when you "change" from human to vampire you stay in your current state. I might not be 22 or 23, but I look the part. In the end, this younger face is an ideal target for vampires.
Sign #3 - After a couple more red headed sluts, we hit the dance floor. No lie - this is where things got strange. She almost insisted that I focus on her neck. Maybe this was a test? She wanted to know if I was capable of the killer instincts necessary to go for the jugular when I "changed." Although if and when I "changed", my new vampire instincts would probably make me into a cold, stoned killer anyway. Maybe this was a sign of what was in store for later that evening? She wanted me to know my destiny.....
When the evening finally ended, she revealed to me her love of biting. Seriously, I thought she was kidding or wasted or both. Yeah she wasn't messing around, when I awoke the next morning I could feel the venomous pain coursing through arms. There were multiple bite marks. It looked like I was mauled by an animal. I guess this wasn't a dream. I mean I don't even really believe in vampires. The Twilight series was just a cheap thrill that became highly addictive because I had to know how it ended. Was she really a vampire? Had I been "changed"? Am I now faced with the prospect of a soul-less immortality?
Since Saturday night I have noticed changes. There is in fact truth to the strength and quickness a vampire acquires. That speed and power was on full display on Sunday night as I absolutely abused my brother on the basketball court in a weekly pick-up game. I am definitely stronger in the weight room as well. I can now bench 110 lbs. Before I could only bench the bar and that's it. I guess there is some truth to this having undeniable good looks as a vampire. In a complimentary, but awkward moment yesterday a male co-worker commented on how good I looked with my recent haircut and the "emotionally unavailable" (my words, not his) scruff I have been rocking. Yeah it was weird. There are also noticeable downsides too. I don't really eat although that was a problem before Saturday anyway. I haven't slept, hence the reason for this post in the middle of the night. It has rained for three straight days, so I have no idea how I am going to react to the sun. And the biggest question of all - am I now the world's greatest killer engineered to hunt human prey? I have so many questions and very few answers. F*ck it. Whatever. Who gives a sh*t. I now look like this heartthrob.....
Blood Light - Suck One!
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