Round 1

Now that the French Open is in full swing, it is time for the first "Blog Crossfire."  This could be the first of many Battle Royales between THE Sean Sullivan and Carly Pumpkin.  As I have mentioned, a fellow blogger and Internet friend of mine, Carly Pumpkin,  has a serious obsession with Rafael Nadal.  I'm sure she will tell you he is the greatest thing since slice bread. It is hard to argue with Rafa's talent and greatness.  He is a US Open title away from the career grand slam and he is arguably the greatest player ever on clay.  That all said,  Nadal is not the champion the sport needs to resurrect its popularity.  Much like Roger Federer before him and much like Pete Sampras before Federer, they are all boring champions.  They lack personality, there is no style or charisma and their outward emotion leaves something to be desired.  For example, golf has found the chosen one.  Tiger Woods has taken golf to levels of popularity that it has never seen.  If he remains healthy, Woods' skill and mental fortitude will probably make him the greatest champion ever in the sport of golf.  That said, it is Woods' charisma and flare for the moment that makes golf must see TV.  When Woods' said "Hello World" in August 1996, golf found its savior. Tennis is still waiting for theirs.

Let's take Carly's boy, Rafa Nadal.  Like I said, he is a great champion with unbelievable skill and talent; however, he is really boring.  Yeah he pumps his fist every so often and picks his wedgie before he serves, but in the end he lacks that "je ne sais quoi"  or those intangible qualities that make him that special kind of athlete that almost transcends the sport.  If you are looking for transcendence - See Tiger Woods.  See Michael Jordan.  See Wayne Gretzky.  The only thing interesting about Nadal is waiting to see if he is actually going to bite down on the championship trophy when he does that stupid "look at me as I pretend to bite this trophy."  I swear one of these days he is going to bite down on that silver bowl at Roland Garros and break his jaw.  Then he is just going to look dumb.  

"Ouch, I thought the trophy was candy."

While tennis is waiting for its messiah, it could really use a bitter rivalry between to two titans of the game who have personality, charisma, and most importantly a shear on the court hatred for each other.  Currently, Federer and Nadal are the two best in the game.  Federer may end up being the best ever and Nadal has clearly taken the title as best in the world.  The problem is they have a reverence and love for each other that is both disgusting and almost unnatural.  Yes, they both want to win, but I feel that most matches between them is like watching a Republican or Democratic National Convention.  It is a fu*king love fest.  The Wimbledon Final last summer was arguably the greatest match ever played.  It was a five set thriller.  They matched each other shot for shot.  It was surreal. Nadal prevailed in the end for the title and in the process denied Federer a record sixth straight Wimbledon title.  On so many levels the tennis was great, except once again I never felt before, during, or after the match that either player wanted to absolutely destroy the other.  Their killer instincts seem to stop at "I want to win, but please note how good my opponent is." This is bullsh*t.   When these two step on the court, they should absolutely loathe each other.  They should take satisfaction in playing brilliantly while embarrassing the other.  This would go along way in making men's tennis popular again and help the sport return to the glory days of the 1970's and 1980's.

To use another sport as an example, hockey and the NHL was been an afterthought in the sports world, especially in the US, for the better part of the last fifteen years.  There are variety of reasons that contributed to its downfall, which is a discussion for another blog, but three superstars, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Alexander Ovechkin, have recently emerged.  Their skills, personalities, and complete dislike for each other could make for a great rivalry in the coming years.  This rivalry has the potential to bring back a sport and give it an injection of life it so desperately needs.  This year Crosby and Malkin' Penguins took on Ovechkin's Capitals in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.  Despite an anti-climatic Game 7, the series and these three superstars were as good as advertised.  The future of hockey now looks bright. Yes, these guys are supremely skilled, but there is no love lost either.  Case in point, several summers ago Ovechkin and his cronies ran into Malkin's entourage at a bar in Moscow.  Because Ovechkin is an animal and probably can't stand the sight of Malkin he threw a big left hook on a prominent member of that entourage.  I kind of envision this going down like the Las Vegas episode of Entourage.  Ovechkin flies out of nowhere a la Johnny Drama and just slugs Malkin's agent because he is talking sh*t similar to Seth Green's b*tch a$$ in Entourage.  Yes, this is a little extreme, but it is fuel to the fire for this up and coming rivalry.  

Tennis doesn't need fighting, but a good ole' fashion rivalry definitely attracts fans.  During the golden age of men's tennis, one of the great rivalries was John McEnroe and Bjorn Bjorg.  McEnroe respected Borg, but when he stepped on the court McEnroe wanted nothing more than to destroy Borg. As the story for this French Open unfolds, I will be routing for the next great thing to not only challenge Nadal's skills, but be the personality the sport so desperately needs.  Tennis needs the craftsmanship of Bjorg, the charisma of Connors, the brashness of McEnroe, and the flare of Agassi.  So here's to hoping Novak Djokovic, Jo-Wilfried Tsongo, Andy Murray, or some unknown can be the rival to Nadal both on and off the court.

Check out Carly's side of the argument at http://carly-pumpkin.blogspot.com/.

Monday Morning Coffee (Thursday Edition)

I know, I know. I am a little late on the Morning Coffee post this week.  Between the holiday weekend at the beach and a busy week at work, this is my first opportunity to post a new entry. No surprise, the beach was amazing.  The hosts were as gracious as ever and we had a great mix of people who kicked-off beach season in style.

Rant of the Week - 

"If you lived here, you'd be home now."  This is one of the dumbest slogans in the history of man.  On the way to Bethany Beach, you pass through the town of Bridgeville, Delaware.  The town of Bridgeville welcomes you to their thriving metropolis with a sign on the side of the road that reads "Welcome to Bridgeville, Delaware - If you lived here you'd be home now."  Is this sign supposed to make me want to move to Bridgeville?  Bridgeville is still a good hour from the beach and it is nowhere near an urban setting.  Basically, it has a Sonic and McDonald's and it is in the middle of the nowhere.  So yeah right I want to live there.  This sign is even more annoying because most of the time you have been sitting in excruciating traffic to get to or from the beach, which is probably the logic behind the sign.  In the end, the logic is flawed because the only thing Bridgeville has to offer is beach traffic.  The sign should read "Welcome to Bridgeville, Delaware - If you lived here you can watch all the beach traffic because there is nothing else to do."

Real Men (And Women) of Genius -

The beach tends to attract some real characters.  With this being opening weekend, the best and the brightest were out in full force.  We had the pleasure of seeing this one gentlemen, if that is even the correct word, on two different occaisons during the course of the weekend.  I would say this man was almost legendary.  Within in moments of seeing this guy in action he was dubbed the "Silver Fox."  Urban Dictionary defines the Silver Fox as an attractive older man who generally has gray and is often desired by younger woman.  Really they should just put this guy's picture there instead.

<-------Silver Fox

 

We first encountered the Silver Fox at the Rusty Rudder in Dewey Beach on Friday night.  He was spotted in the front row of the crowd rocking out to the band and nothing was going to stop his fun on this night.  As you can see his gray haired pseudo mullet is outstanding, but that doesn't tell the whole story of the Silver Fox.  Along with his mini-mullet, he had the hairy arms I have ever seen.  I don't just mean the forearm either.  I mean the entire arm.  I suspect this was a side effect to the anabolic steroids or human growth hormone he is currently using because the dude might be middle aged but he was pretty jacked.  He also had a body guard with a 22 inch neck who scared the crap out of me.  Because we were standing right above the body guard and looking down on the crowd watching the Silver Fox's every move, a friend of mine, "Marisa" was tempted to rub the body guard's bald head.  I convinced her this was bad idea by point out his rather large neck and she refrained from doing so.

Watching the Silver Fox in action was a sight to be hold.  He was rocking out like this was Steeley Dan concert twenty years ago.  The Silver Fox lives for this weekend like a 25 year old lives for this weekend.  He may already be a card carrying member of the AARP, but that was not going to stop him from slamming beers, meeting chicks, and having the time of his life.  One friend, "Megan", was so enamored with him, she wanted to go hang out with him and maybe even rock out if the right song came on.  In the end, she did nothing, which is probably a good thing because you could tell the Silver Fox was a real charmer and who knows what would have happened.  You could tell the Silver Fox had been places.  It was believed that the Silver Fox was patient zero for the sexually transmitted disease, chlamydia.   The night would have been memorable for Megan, but the repercussions could have been rough.  

As Friday night concluded, I thought our time watching the Silver Fox was done for the weekend.  Not so fast my friends.  On Saturday afternoon, the group made its way to the legendary Seacrets and who is there standing in line trying to order a couple Natural Lights and a Dirty Banana?  That's right the Silver Fox with his body guard at his side.  The dude is everywhere.  He was trying to live the beach dream the same way we were.  Seacrets was more crowded on Saturday than I had ever seen it, so keeping tabs on the Silver Fox was impossible.  That said, just seeing the Silver Fox again on Saturday was truly inspiring.  So here's to you Silver Fox "Mr. Hairiest Arms in the World and Living the Dream at 53"  You are a Real Man of Genius.

'Tis the Season

The next two weekends kick-off two seasons that most people love.  Actually, one of them everybody loves.  The other - well, guys certainly look forward to the first weekend after Memorial Day, especially here in DC.    Still confused?  Beach season commences tomorrow and next weekend marks the beginning of what my one friend affectionately refers to as "the season", also known as intern season.   We'll get more into intern season at a later date.  With this weekend being the official beginning of beach season it is all about fun in the sun. The swim suits come out and people can finally reap the benefits of all those diet pills and two-a-days in the gym.  Yes, the time has come for orange crushes, boardwalk fries, and if you are headed to the Delmarva Pennisula, the BEST BAR EVER MADE......Seacrets.  

Okay maybe I'm being a little dramatic.   Wait no, f*ck that.  Seacrets is the best bar on the east coast, bar none.  I know I have gone on record by saying the same thing about Armadillos in Annapolis or Brass Monkey in Adams Morgan, but no lie - Seacrets is simply incredible.  It is like fun land for adults.  Their drinks are sick, I mean sick.  Nothing quenches your thirst more than a dirty banana with a little extra kick on a hot summer day.  The ambiance is amazing. With palm trees flown in for every new beach season plus an assortment of floats and tables in the water the stage is set for great atmosphere on a Saturday afternoon in July.  And then there is the people.  I mean the people watching is off the charts.  There are only a few places on earth that have better people watching than Seacrets.  Off the top of head, the only three I can think of are Las Vegas, New Orleans, and the Twin Cities.  Most of Seacrets clientele is Maryland's finest and when I say Maryland's finest, I mean Maryland's finest.  There is more ink than the entire Denver Nuggets  basketball (those guys are really tatted-up).  I'm convinced there is a contest for best tramp stamp because every time I go back the females seem to get more and more creative with the art on their lower back.  As for the guys,  I'm pretty sure there is more steroid use than in Major League Baseball.  If you are lucky, in the perfect storm of circumstances, guy and girl meet and ridiculousness ensues for every one to watch.  Case in point, during my most recent trip to Seacrets last August two classy patrons started to get freaky on the beach for everyone's viewing pleasure. Yes, this took place in the middle of the afternoon and it was a little more than making out in a chair.  It was absolutely ridiculous.  You didn't want to watch, yet you couldn't stop starring.  They were finally asked to leave, but not before they put on a little show for the entire bar.  Admit it, you want to go to Seacrets now too....oh yeah, I don't really recommend going there at night.  You get searched and have to go through metal detectors.  Trust me, Seacrets is an afternoon excursion.

So this weekend, I'm headed to the beach for what promises to be a great time.  There will be g (that's golf), various athletic competitions in which I dominate everybody, and of course Seacrets.  Who knows maybe I will meet my next great love there.  It worked for "Wes" and "Jess" on that magical afternoon in September.  Sh*t, their names even rhyme.  Hmm, what rhymes with Sean????

P.S.  Next week's Morning Coffee will not be served until Tuesday or Wednesday. 

Monday Morning Coffee

So there are several topics I want to talk about this morning. So instead of the usual Monday morning rant or observations from the week or weekend prior, I thought I would revisit a couple prior blog posts.

Spin Class -

Several people have asked about spin class girl.  The window of opportunity with her is now closed. I have not seen her at class since our last counter.  You know the encounter that ended with "see you next week" instead of "let's meet for drinks tonight."  Yes, that one.  Anyway, it looks like she has walked out of my life forever or at least until the fall.  During one conversation, she told me once grad school ended for the semester she was headed back to Norway before spending the summer in Africa for an internship.  Let's my experience be a lesson to all of you - when you got the shot, take it!  You only get one shot in life sometimes and you better fu*king shoot the ball.  Was she the one?  Who knows.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Okay probably not, but that's not really the point.  The point is life is all about the moment and rising to the occasion in that moment.  If  this was one of those defining moments, then the definition was absolute sh*t.

Vampires - 

So do you remember when I suggested that Justin Timberlake was a vampire?  Well, if I didn't convince you before, then the following video should convince you.  My co-worker, Andrew, was not a believer, but now he is.  Watch out - hide your mothers.  Justin Timberlake is on the prowl!

Speaking of vampires, it is no secret that vampires biggest nemesis is wolves.  If you don't know this, then I really suggest you read the Twilight series. You need to be in the know or your life will be in mortal danger.  Well, it looks like wolves might be the new "it" thing challenging the popularity of vampires.  The popularity of this wolf tee shirt is stratospheric.  

I mean these shirt are off the charts hott.  Read the reviews at the bottom of the link - wolf tee shirt.  It is unbelievable.  There hasn't been anything this popular since Hannah Montana.  Here is a sample review of the wolf tee....

This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him. 

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt. 

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women 
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.

  

Watch out vampires.  The wolves are coming.

Real Men (and Women) of Genius -

Believe it or not, I actually have a queue going for this section of the blog.  It is amazing when I actually sit down and think about the truly brilliant, innovators out there.  Every day, people's ingenious is on full display.  I was all ready to talk to you about "Chicky."  Actually, I was going to tell you about Chicky's girlfriend, she is the real women of genius.  However, she will have to wait for another week.  I can't help myself I have to go with my co-worker, 'Los.  We first learned of 'Los during my segment about people sleeping in meetings.  After an unprecedented week last week, it is clear that 'Los has perfected this art form and is certifiable genius.  I have completely underestimated his abilities.  Not only does he have the standard three moves down, which I discussed last week, but he has perfected his own move, the "'Los jiggle."  It is a perfect combination of slight head movement with a subtle head bob that manages to not awake his deep slumber combined with a body gyration that makes him appear to be awake during a meeting when in fact he is actually sleeping.  There is no better example of this than during a meeting last week.  Now, I did not attend this meeting, but I have great intel from my co-worker, Andrew, who is very familiar with 'Los' tactics.  

One afternoon last week, 'Los decided to call a meeting in his office regarding a development project with Andrew and another colleague.  Let me be clear, 'Los called this meeting.  This was not some required meeting called by management or a weekly conference call that is unnecessary and often boring.  'Los called this meeting in his office.  During this 45-6o minute meeting, 'Los managed to fall asleep no less than 6 times.  That's right 6 times!  According to Andrew, at one point his eyes were so heavy with slumber he almost looked cross-eyed.  At another point in the meeting, 'Los was working the "'Los jiggle" to perfection while staring at his computer. This is truly amazing.  In my short professional career, I have never and I mean never heard of someone call their own meeting and manage to fall asleep.  This is absolutely incredible. 'Los is a genius and a true master of his craft.  There is no one on the planet who could pull-off scheduling his own meeting and manage to fall asleep no less than 6 times during that same meeting, except for 'Los.  So 'Los, here's to you "Mr. I nod-off in every meeting guy."

Losing a Legend

No lie, I love Sparks.  

There are only four things in the world I love more than Sparks - 82.35% of my family and friends, Coca-cola Classic, the Washington Redskins, and golf.  Now to be honest, I never really got into energy drinks or RBVs (Red Bull Vodkas), but there is something unexplainably amazing about that combination of guarana, ginseng, caffeine, and malt liquor.  When the Sparks starts flowing, something about it makes me feel alive inside.  It's truly amazing.  Let's be honest, I'm probably the last person who needs Sparks.  I'm already completely wired as is and Sparks fires me up to completely unnecessary levels.  It's cool though because this is America and we are all about excess. 

Apparently, the FDA feels that Sparks is "unsafe"  and "young people are prone to engage in risky behavior due to the effects of Sparks." I think the FDA is confusing unsafe and risky with awesome. The Miller Brewing Company, the maker of Sparks, has agreed to take caffeine and all the other ingredients that fire you up out of this amazing blend of alcohol, sugar, and pure adrenaline.  It started distributing new Sparks earlier this year.  Congratulations Miller Brewing, new Sparks will be like when new formula Coca-Cola came out and everyone knows how that turned out - it sucked.  You truly have killed a legend.

Sparks, I discovered you way too late in your life and now you are gone way before your time.  I still remember the first time I met you.  It was two months ago and I was visiting my sister in college.  I wanted so desperately to act like I was still in college.  I wanted to prove I still had it.  Sparks, you let me in, you showed me the way.  It was incredible.  For one special Saturday, I was a junior in college all over again.  Like many greats before you, James Dean, Jimi Hendrix, Chris Farley, and LaToya Jackson's singing career, you died way too young.  You will truly be missed.

So according to the ghetto a$$ liquor store on the corner, they are still selling original Sparks.  This may be a limited time offer, so in honor of this legendary fusion I'm paying tribute the only way I know how - Sparks Party!  This will be a monumental event.  Say yes.  Save the date - Saturday, June 6th or Friday, June 12th.  Evite to follow.

Market Recovery?

Everyone wants to know when the market is going to recover.  In other words, have we reached the bottom? People are looking for signs.  The S&P just crossed 900 in recent weeks, a good sign, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke went before Congress last week and said we are close to the bottom and we could see economic growth late this year, also good news.  As for me, I am looking to one man and one man only, my boss "Chaz."  As I have mentioned, my alpha male boss is a great influence on my life.  Just to be clear, by "great influence" I mean he is a complete moron and I will probably spend my career trying to do the exact opposite of him professionally.  So when I say I'm looking to him, I'm not really interested in his thoughts about 10-year Treasuries, inflation, and cap rates on commercial real estate assets.  I'm looking for Chaz the Alpha Male to return full-time, then I'll know the market is truly on the up swing. At his best, Chaz is the source of so much entertainment and unintentional comedy it is almost unbelievable. 

Just to give you a little more background, Chaz really is the epitome of alpha male.  As a former co-worker so eloquently put it, "if this was the jungle, he would be king or he would be dead." The man is an animal.  Even at 45 or so, you can just tell he just wants to suck down Scotch, try to bang strippers, and maybe beat the sh*t out of a few people in the process.  I can only imagine what he was like 20 years ago.  Rumor has it, someone fairly prominent in the real estate industry came into "his" bar one night and let's just say things got ugly.  The only one who pisses on the bar is Chaz and anyone else who tries to piss on the bar has to answer to Chaz.  I'm sure time has changed him, but probably only a little. Now that he is married with children, I'm convinced he proves the theory that tigers eat their young.

The spring of 2007, was the peak of the commercial real estate market and my boss was the king of the castle.  He was crushing deal after deal and there was nothing that was going to stop his animalistic nature.  In a particular entertaining five week span, my boss was on fire. Seriously, the unintentional comedy was at an all time high.  During this time, I was able to capture the animal within in a five part adaptation that portrays the essence of his being.  The piece is rather long, but here is an exerpt that should paint a nice picture.  (Please feel free to contact me for the full adaptation). There are a few inside office jokes and some finance and real estate jargon, but you'll get the point....

Part V - Property Tour (Road Trip)

Pete & KC –

    You boys better fire up the blender. We are going to have one sweet dick time down in Florida .  I told the Dutchmen to come down from his wind mill and watch the fort, so we can have a little ron-de-vous in West Palm.  That is French for a ti**y-fu*king good time.  Lucky for you, I know a great place just outside of Delray.  The scotch flows like a three testicled donkey after a trip down the mountain.  I figure after the tour of this little retail piece.  I just read the marketing package by the way and this deal is sweeter than six fingers of Glen Livet and a bj on Sunday.  Don't worry I will handle the investment committee – a couple punches to the face and a few shots to the balls should do the trick.  So what was I saying?  Yes after this property tour with those worthless f*cks at Eastdil, we'll head down to Chastity's Palace for some Black Label on the rocks.  Trust me when I say, the dancers are better than me closing overpriced real estate at 2% cap rates.  Don't worry it's on me.  I just got paid for buying all that worthless crap out west.  F*ck yeah!  Life is good!  Anyway I got to run; it's time for Marty's daily beating.  Looking forward to Thursday……..

-Chaz

As I concluded this five part series, I really expected Chaz to keep on going.  However, as the calendar turned to late 2007 and 2008, the well dried-up.  My boss wasn't the same.  There was no more pontificating, no more ridiculous stories, it was all gone.  Tough times changes a man. I mean he did single handily lose $200M in equity, but that is besides the point.  Just the other day, however, there was a glimmer of hope.  Chaz the Alpha Male was back!  It was brief and a little more subdued, but awesome nonetheless....

"Did you hear about the boondoggle those butt-fu&kers at LP hosted the weekend before the Masters?  Well obviously you didn't because you are not nearly as important as me.  Only the VIP of DC Real Estate were invited - Steve, Colin, and of course me, Chaz.  To be honest, I was kind of sort of invited via email.  I think those other f*ckers actually got written invitations.  It's cool though I think mine got lost in the mail.  Anyway, after limo service to Dulles you hop on a G4 stocked with enough booze to get an elephant drunk.  I'm talking enough Scotch to last me two days.  Upon arriving in Augusta, Georgia you head right to Augusta National for some golf.  I didn't play, but if I did I would have shot 68 easily.  After golf, LP put everybody up at some sweet five star hotel.  The best part is - it is right next to the fu&king titty bar. Whewww, I would have loved that sh*t.  There is nothing better than a fist full of scotch and some big f&cking titties on some southern bell.  

The next morning I would have woken-up with a raging head ache and bare ass in the lobby. Everyone else would be back at Augusta National for the Monday Practice Round at the Masters.  All the big stars were out Tiger, Phil, and the eventual champ Angel Cabrera aka "El Pato" - that's spanish for big fu*king animal.  I feel like I can relate to El Pato he goes big on the golf course, I go big with real estate deals.  He comes out of nowhere to win big golf tournaments, I come out of nowhere and overpay for crappy real estate assets.  After what can only be described as an amazing couple days they send you back on the G4 only to have a limo waiting full of more booze for one last hurrah before you head home.

Of course I didn't go because I would have had to report this on my Indirect Compensation form.  It's cool though Colin said it was incredible, but I didn't really believe him.  I only believe him when he is giving market intel because I will buy any building in DC at any cap rate no matter what the market is doing.

Okay back to work.  Marty, my office now.  You better have a damn good explanation on why we didn't get 6 cap pricing on this shitty midwest retail asset....."

So here's to hoping better days are ahead.  Of course everybody wants to see a market recovery. For me, it's more than that. I miss Chaz circa April 2007.  That guy was awesome.  Wouldn't know a good deal if it hit him in the face, but unbelievably entertaining nonetheless.

Monday Morning Coffee

Observation of the Week -  Oh How I love my job.....

Professionally, I love what I do.  Actually, before I started blogging I thought being in real estate investments was my life's calling.  Now, I'm thinking I should go to Hollywood and write sitcoms or comedic screenplays.  However, that's a story for another day.  Back to my current job - as much as I love what I do, my current company leaves a lot to be desired.  Yes, there is my alpha male boss who comedic value is almost off the charts, but as you will learn that is a tough proposition sometimes.  I know some of you have asked me about him.  Stay tuned later this week - you'll be introduced to the animal that is my boss. 

So my job, every month we have this bullsh*t company-wide meeting that is a complete waste of time and accomplishes nothing.  It is not of the 30 minute variety either.  This meeting lasts anywhere from 90 to 120 minutes; it is a microcosm of everything that is wrong at my job.  That all said, things are about to get infinitely better at this meeting.  The boredom and monotony of this meeting leads to a lot of people "nodding-off."  There are some who just straight-up close their eyes for one, two, sixteen minutes at a time.  Then there are others who have the classic "head bob" where the head falls forward or back far enough that the person suddenly wakes-up and their head snaps right back-up.  Others are more sneaky about it by pretending to look down at their blackberry or note pad, but really their eyes are closed trying to catch a few ZZZs during the meeting.  So in order to liven things up, during last Thursday's meeting two fellow co-workers and myself observed all of our colleagues during the meeting to see which co-workers were guilty of "nodding-off." I figure this was better than trying to skip the meeting like it was third period French.  Now that we know who is doing what, we are putting odds on everybody, so we can start betting on which co-worker will nod-off the most during next month's meeting.  The early favorite is "'Los".  He is probably going-off at even money.  'Los has an uncanny ability of pulling off all three sleeping moves during the same meeting.  He really is amazing to watch.  In many ways, 'Los is a can't miss pick.  He very well could be the Secretariat of this race and win next month's meeting by 31 lengths.  That said, there are a couple sleepers out there, so you never know. Next month's meeting just got a whole lot more interesting though.  Wow, this is what my job has come to - trying to pick a winner like it's the eighth race at Saratoga.  That's probably not a good thing.

Real Men (and Women) of Genius -

I'm adding a new segment to Monday Morning Coffee - Real Men and Women of Genius.  I'm sure you all have heard those Bud Light commercials - Real Men of Genius.  "You put the 'ogie' in 'boogie', Mr. Really Really Really Bad Dancer."  (check it out - Really Really Really Bad Dancer). Or my personal favorite Mr. Pro Sports Heckler Guy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x0MbVYVE2A

My segment is more geared towards identifying those who really are thinking outside the box. Now since the inception of the blog, I have gotten a lot of requests about how to make the blog.  "Sean, OMG, when are you going to mention me in the blog?"  "Sean, bro, I want you to talk about me in your blog."  Well, send me stuff like this and you will make the blog.  Nick is not even in the Western Hemisphere and he managed to send me some quality material.  Nick met two bloaks from London in Zambia.  These two guys are Real Men of Genius.  Here is Nick's email...

"Wanted to share a story though about a couple of inovators I met the other day. These guys had a great thing going and I thought you'd appreciate it. They were two British guys with two British girls. Seemed perfectly normal, until the one guy tells me they are in Zambia for a long weekend. I thought that was an awfully long, expensive trip from London for a long weekend. That's when he showed me the way...

 

The two girls were British Airways flight attendants. These guys met them (independent of each other, so in fact they're both men of genious) and flew down on BA at the crew rate. It was an empty flight, so they got bumped up to first class. Once here, they stayed with the girls at their hotel, a fancy place in town where the BA crew spends a few short days before doing the turnaround flight. In addition, the local BA representative was their driver all weekend so I heard this whole story while we all were about an hour outside of the city on a safari, having a few beers. These guys spent $150 for the whole show.

 

Apparently the thing to do here is to memorize the flight schedules and start hanging around the Intercontinental Hotel...."

This kind of innovation is truly inspiring.  This is dedication to the game - memorizing flight schedules in order to meet women and travel to exotic places on the cheap.  Simply incredible.  Here's to you "Mr. I only Date Airline Attendants."  Thank you Nick for sharing their story.  People, follow Nick's example and send me some quality stuff to blog about.  Also, doing ridiculous things really increases your chances of blogability.  

So, I have been getting some texts and calls about wanting more posts.  Remember people, I need to go out and create the magic necessary for quality blog material.  At the same time, I do not want to disappoint fans of the blog, so I will try to increase the number of weekly posts.  On Tuesday, you will be introduced to my Alpha Male boss.  And Thursday, I will say good-bye to a good friend.  Until then.....

 

Interview with a Vampire

Vampires are all the rage.  The three hottest things going in 2009 are snuggies, the Obamas, and vampires.  Everywhere you turn it's vampires.  On TV, it's the HBO series True Blood.  In the book stores and movie theatres, it's the Twilight series, the deep and complicated love story of a vampire and the human he desires.  God that sounds like a terrible romantic novel by Danielle Steele, except substitute in a couple teenagers, mortal danger, some sci-fi and fantasy and you have four books I couldn't seem to put down.  I blame "Marisa." She introduced me to these novels during our trip to Peru with our mutual bfff (best fu*king friends forever), "Jessica", over the holidays. For those who know me, it should come as no surprise that I have read all four books in the Twilight series. With my love of TV dramas revolving around teenage angst and the need to watch every romantic comedy ever made, this series seems to fit the Sean Sullivan profile with the combination of drama and romance.  The set second book in the series is set to hit movie theatres this fall, making vampires "It" factor headed to levels we haven't seen since Lindsay Lohan did Mean Girls.

So what does this all have to do with Saturday night?  As I have mentioned in a prior post, I have developed ways to identify vampires, mostly through reading these four books.  I was all ready to blog about how amazing good looks, unbelievable strength and quickness, piercing eyes, and extreme talents are all traits of a vampire.  In fact, I was ready to convince you that Justin Timberlake is a vampire.  Think about it.  He is really good looking, his speed and rhythm on the dance is almost God like, and he has piercing eyes that will stop you dead in your tracks. Yes, his eyes might not look blood red, but a good source at TMZ told me he definitely wears colored contacts to give-off the effect that he has a pair of baby blue eyes.  Well we can forget about all these vampire traits for the moment because on Saturday night I had my own encounter with an actual vampire!!  This only became painfully obvious late in the evening when she revealed to me she loved to bite.  I kid you not, she was a bitter. I have the bites and bruises on my arms to prove it, but looking back on the evening, there were signs everywhere of her true identity.

Sign #1 - Red Headed Sluts.  Like the classy gentlemen that I am, after introducing myself and making conversation, I offered to buy her a drink.  What did she want to drink?  The Jaegar shot concoction so affectionately referred to as the Red Headed Slut.  Upon finishing the shot, she commented on how much she loved colorful drinks, especially ones that were red.  I thought she was just being amusing.  Looking back now, there is only one thing she really likes to drink that is red and that's blood.

Sign #2 - What's your age again???  Once again, usually not a big deal when you are out meeting people.  I just kind of assumed she wanted to know if I was in her relative age range, which is fair.  Except the question kept coming as are you 22? are you 23?  It was almost like the younger the better.  For someone like her who looked maybe 25, why did she want to know if I was 22 or 23?  For vampires, younger is better.  It well documented that when you "change" from human to vampire you stay in your current state.  I might not be 22 or 23, but I look the part.  In the end, this younger face is an ideal target for vampires.  

Sign #3 -  After a couple more red headed sluts, we hit the dance floor.  No lie - this is where things got strange.  She almost insisted that I focus on her neck.  Maybe this was a test? She wanted to know if I was capable of the killer instincts necessary to go for the jugular when I "changed." Although if and when I "changed", my new vampire instincts would probably make me into a cold, stoned killer anyway.  Maybe this was a sign of what was in store for later that evening?  She wanted me to know my destiny.....

When the evening finally ended, she revealed to me her love of biting. Seriously, I thought she was kidding or wasted or both.  Yeah she wasn't messing around, when I awoke the next morning I could feel the venomous pain coursing through arms.  There were multiple bite marks.  It looked like I was mauled by an animal. I guess this wasn't a dream.  I mean I don't even really believe in vampires.  The Twilight series was just a cheap thrill that became highly addictive because I had to know how it ended.  Was she really a vampire?  Had I been "changed"?  Am I now faced with the prospect of a soul-less immortality? 

Since Saturday night I have noticed changes.  There is in fact truth to the strength and quickness a vampire acquires.  That speed and power was on full display on Sunday night as I absolutely abused my brother on the basketball court in a weekly pick-up game.  I am definitely stronger in the weight room as well.  I can now bench 110 lbs.  Before I could only bench the bar and that's it.  I guess there is some truth to this having undeniable good looks as a vampire.  In a complimentary, but awkward moment yesterday a male co-worker commented on how good I looked with my recent haircut and the "emotionally unavailable" (my words, not his) scruff I have been rocking.  Yeah it was weird.  There are also noticeable downsides too.  I don't really eat although that was a problem before Saturday anyway.  I haven't slept, hence the reason for this post in the middle of the night.  It has rained for three straight days, so I have no idea how I am going to react to the sun.  And the biggest question of all - am I now the world's greatest killer engineered to hunt human prey? I have so many questions and very few answers.  F*ck it. Whatever. Who gives a sh*t. I now look like this heartthrob.....

Blood Light - Suck One!

Monday Morning Coffee

So I had a whole new post thought out about my Thursday night and how a confluence of events contributed to one of those ridiculous evenings.  Then the rest of the weekend happened.  So, this is a synopsis of my weekend and observations and rants and raves about nightlife in general. Although I can't guarantee this will happen every Monday morning, I will do my best to give you all a little something to read while having that first cup of coffee to start the week. Consider this your first cup.

My weekend actually started Thursday evening.  Incredible Thursdays make for disastrous Fridays and this Thursday was particularly nuts.  You know it was a good night when you.....

you and your two buddies collectively spend $150, when the first 4 hours of the evening were open bar and the rest of the night consisted of $2 rail drinks.

you are sprawled on your buddy's couch only to find one buddy passed out in his suit in a chair while the other one is hugging the toilet.

you wake-up borderline drunk, only to discover your buddy is in the same predicament.

you and your buddy walk to work in what can only be described as a buzzing haze with a raging headache waiting for the right moment to ruin your morning

you meet some girl named "Molly" who won't stop texting you all weekend.

and finally, you wear the same clothes to work from day before.  That was special.

All in all, it was a great ride, but I think you would agree Friday was going to be a little rough.

Rant of the Weekend - karaoke song selection.

I'm all for karaoke.  Karaoke is not really my thing considering I am tone deaf and my Mom forbid me to sing in the house growing-up.  I definitely have a fear of singing now thanks to Mom.  I probably should go see a shrink about that.  That said, I totally get karaoke.  Both guys and girls love it and it can be totally effective in the mating game.  Song selection, however, is extremely important.  Dudes singing From this Moment by Shania Twain is NOT GOOD.  Yes, two dudes did this Saturday night at Peyote.  I completely understand what these two gentlemen were trying to do "if I sing this sweet, romantic song, some girl will want to get with me." I get it; it's all part of the game.  Sometimes we need to do ridiculous sh*t to play the game.  I mean you are talking to a guy who wears skinny ties, has hair product that makes your hair feel like the beach, and has no problem tearing up the dance floor to All the Single Ladies by Beyonce, but From this Moment?  Really?  Really? That song is so lame that girls at the bar might be unsure what team you play for or you are just a total freak. These two fellas even had to announce their sexual orientation as straight once the song was done.  I'm going to go ahead and say that is not a good sign.  Next time, pick a better song.

Well that's all for now.  Stay tuned later this week for more about my Saturday night.  Let's just say it was a Vampire Weekend.